Thoughts on Creativity and Depression

How to Sew When You're Sad

I previously shared an excerpt from my zine How to Sew When You’re Sad, but honestly I am so proud of this writing that I wanted to share the entirety of the writing with you. I hope those that need to hear this information are able to receive it.

Disclaimer:

Medication is the only way that I have found to allow myself the space to function and be creative in life. Without it, I would not have the motivation to complete any of the tasks laid out in this post. If you are struggling, please seek out necessary help. Antidepressants have made a world of difference in my life. I am more myself because of them. What follows is advice to myself when I am struggling, both unmedicated and medicated. Know that I believe in your power and in your ability to get yourself the help that you need.

A Little Sewing Manifesto:

I thought that being off my antidepressants would be a cake walk. Moving to a new city, I found out after I started my job that my insurance coverage did not start for another month. No big deal. Then, after that month I tried to schedule my first appointment and was informed that the first available slot was not for another two months. I started to feel overwhelmed. The further I got from the last dose of medications that I took, the deeper I sunk into a familiar cycle of self-hatred and creative block. Similar issues that had consumed me 4 years prior started to seep into my brain again. Feelings of despair and downward trajectory. I felt hopeless and scared. But, I could remember what it was like to feel good. I remembered what my medication did for me, but I could not access those feelings. Soon enough I started to forget that healthy version of myself as well.

During this time, I struggled with being creative. I would stop myself before I even started with negative self talk. I would tell myself that I was not creative enough to begin. The days that I actually spent time sewing and creating were my best days because I was doing what I loved. Now, I still had the negative self-talk but despite this inner monologue I chose to spend time sewing anyway and because of this decision I got to experience the benefits of my creative practice. I think that creating, in general, provides time to be mindful of your life and experiences, which is needed to combat depressive episodes. My take away from this time is to just begin, even when I do not want to. I create even when I am tired and angry and hopeless because I know that I will feel those thoughts less deeply. I know because it has happened before. 

I think the most important step to using any sort of creative practice when you are sad is to significantly lower the amount of effort it takes to begin. I always have my sewing machine set up and ready to go. It is not in a box somewhere. I do not have to thread my machine. All I have to do is turn it on and start. Similarly, consider preparing projects for your future self to finish. Maybe cut your pattern pieces out one day and then sew it together the next day. I think it is important to show up for yourself. I do this by doing the not-so-fun parts in advance so that I can do the creative parts that I love when I feel up to it. Creativity will lead to feeling of accomplishment which will then help disprove your own negative feelings. 

For those of us that live inside our minds and experience loops of self-negativity, I think it is helpful to put in place daily practices to release some of these thoughts into the world. I do this by writing morning pages, a writing practice made popular by the author Julia Cameron. Essentially this practice involves writing three pages each morning before embarking on your day. The pages can be about anything. I usually use mine to catalog my feelings and jot down what I want to accomplish that day. I show up to do these pages every day and reap the creative benefits. I often feel more clear in my mind and less trusting of those negative voices. I also feel happy when I show up for myself and have more energy to carry out projects that make me happy, like sewing. 

Sewing is an act of self care. I struggle often with feelings of self-hatred and I am often not one of the people in my corner sticking up for myself. However, with sewing and making clothing I have found a way to adorn myself. I create these pieces for ME. So that I can go out in the world and look my best. So that I can go out in the world and have clothing that fits me correctly and makes me feel confident. There is so much care and attention that goes into making clothes. This attention and care is given by me to myself and I think that is beautiful. If you hate things about your body, maybe you can find solutions in clothing that flies in the face of those concerns. 

Sewing is a form of self expression. I do not see this process removed from creativity. Especially if you learn through pattern making, you can combine elements in a garment and create something entirely new. Also, when you are working with a pattern you often need to customize it to get the desired look and fit that you desire. Then, you add in color choice and fabric choice. Each garment that you make is going to be entirely different that others made with the same pattern or idea. Even the mistakes you make will make the garment unique, how special is that? Sewing is learning by doing and learning through the mistakes made. 

Practice mindfulness while you are sewing. The great part about sewing is that you can spend time focused on the present moment. Cutting out pattern pieces, joining seams and finishing edges. It is a meditative process. Lean into that and take it a step further. Take the opportunity to actually practice mindfulness while sewing. Breath deeply and make your garment one step at a time. Focus on what your hands are doing. Leave the negativity inside your brain behind and only think about the steps in front of you. You are a capable person who is creative and who cares about the body that you are in. You deserve to believe that.

Exciting news:

Garbie is about to get a whole lot bigger! I am making moves behind the scenes to expand the amount of time that I get to work on Garbie and I am over the moon. Bear with me during this transitional time. I promise great things are ahead!